hi
I still open the forums out of habit to scroll mindlessly for some reason (even though there isn't much to see nowadays) but I don't really post as much as I used to so here's a little update cause I'm bored and putting off shit I got to do and am going back into my bi-weekly depressive slump
nostalgia really fucking sucks the more and more distant it becomes. At this point I'm not sure if I even miss the game itself or this dumb little community or just simpler times where I didn't really have shit to do or any larger worries
2017 is 5 years ago now, and around the time I started playing here and the times gone by really fast, I have shit memory so if I'm not wrong I think the server shut down nearly a year ago now (or at least the original Helix iteration). for a long time I was really in this mindset where I'd see something or learn something or watch something and get inspired to do it on here and even when i did my every-few-month-quitting-the-serverisms I would find myself thinking about it still, and wonder how I'd ever get out of this loop
apparently its not really a conscious thing and one day you go by without thinking about making a character based off this or imagining an event based off that or seeing a meme and somehow relating it to hl2rp, and then it becomes a week and then a month without that coming up and so on.
From time to time I still do yearn for that first year I played where I couldn't wait to get home and sit down just to do the dullest fucking shit like workshifts but I still found it so fun for so long. that was so long ago I was still in middle school and now i'm in college which is weird to think about
For a second I want to disgard that "loser" mindset about this game and forum as a whole, cause it was genuinely a hobby for me for the longest time, something I could look forward to, that kept the days fresh, something I could discuss with other people (on here), have conversations about, and work towards and put my energy into something creative, and those people would show that energy back
days now have begun to mostly mesh together, there's little difference in them. I'm probably the most social I've been my entire life and at the same time feel the emptiest. I don't have any hobby, no matter how hard I try I get little to no satisfaction out of anything. don't really play any games, in fact this is the first time I've booted up my laptop in months and I probably haven't played a game on it since april.
I mentioned I started college. It's interesting, something that I like, but at the same time I despise it so much it's weird. I have to wake up at 6 am and don't get home til 6pm most days, then I do work late into the night. It's definitely beginning to take its toll on me. I think this is the first weekend since I've started that I've taken to just kick back (I had to go in on pretty much every saturday for one reason or another up until now).
the morning of the first day of college I found out that a close family member died, and I still went, which wasn't the greatest experience. got sick two weeks in and had to slog through that too since i couldn't afford to take sick days
two weeks ago I pretty much got stood up an hour before a date we had arranged, i decided to get out my comfort zone and ask someone out for the first time since middle school but i dont know if that even counts. haven't messaged me since then
i do hang out with friends, but it feels pretty empty, rigid, and regimental. we go out to the same place, discuss the same topics, then go home, repeat every other day
i think the reality of it all is beginning to set in, that this will most likely be my future for the next however many years, work and all included if i even graduate
i know this post probably sounds extremely depressing but i'm not doing too bad, i still fluctuate between being alright and that extreme depression that hits me for no discernible reason
i do really miss these forums and the game sometimes though, i doubt that it will ever be the same, but thats just part of life you gotta move on eventually